It's Official

So now that I'm safely out of the first trimester and starting to actually feel pregnant rather than just mysteriously ill, it's time to introduce you to this little person.

Yep, that is baby "goo" due to arrive February 2015.

We got an early peek at little baby "goo" several weeks ago when they were trying to figure out exactly how far along I was. Goo was a little gummy bear baby at the time and is much bigger now. According to some online speculations, Goo is the size of a very large orange.

Tom's parents were the first to know about little Goo, mostly because I was soooo sick and they would have found out anyways. They also tend to have normal reactions to this type of news: "Congratulations," "We are so excited," "This is great news."

With my parents, I don't usually know what to expect--everything from anger to disinterest. It keeps things quite interesting.

My Dad called one day during my early weeks of being pregnant and asked what was new. I told him that our car had been having some issues and I had taken it to the mechanics. Then I added: "Oh, and I'm pregnant."

Dad: "That's great. . . . Wait, what's wrong with the car?"

My mom was privileged to know about baby Goo much earlier than she was informed about baby Boo (i.e., after Constance was born and I showed up with a baby). Maybe it was the fact that this time we are an entire state away from her that made me more comfortable. When I told her, she actually had a positive response and said that Constance would be a great older sister. 

The next morning after this conversation, I received an email from her. 

Dun, dun, dun.

In it she said that by becoming pregnant with baby Goo BEFORE Constance was 2-years-old, we had violated God's laws of procreation and I need to repent of this misdeed.

Please understand that this is "normal" for my parents, and the correct response is to laugh hysterically--at least that's what I do. It does make quite the story though, doesn't it?

When I was in the stage of getting myself mentally ready for this next pregnancy, I made a mental list of all the things I didn't do when I was pregnant with Constance that I would be sure to do with this next baby. Six weeks into pregnancy and I gave up on any attempt to accomplish those things. 

#1 I was going to focus on giving my body all the nutrients it needed so I would be healthy and the baby would be healthy (no more French fry binging)--Most days it's hard to find something/anything to eat. Somehow I don't remember my stomach hurting this much from my first pregnancy. It's a sad day when even crackers don't work like they are supposed to.

#2 I was going to be more active and exercise daily--The good days are when I can make it all the way up the stairs. The really good days are when I actually clean one small part of the house.

#3 I wasn't going to let the house get as unsanitary as it was when I was pregnant with Constance--I'm not working full time this pregnancy but since I'm 200 times more sick with baby Goo than I ever was with baby Boo, the house is, yes, unsanitary. 

#4 I was going to make a better effort to find cute maternity clothes and take care of my appearance--Yeah, not happening either. With our budget as it is, I'm wearing my old maternity clothes from two years ago. I'm not feeling particularly cute or beautiful most days but since I lost weight the first trimester, I was able to fit into my regular clothes a bit longer.

So there it is. If you haven't had your second yet, don't plan on the next pregnancy being any more magical than the first. Every pregnancy is so different. And I don't mean to sound like a grumbler either because actually I feel extremely blessed to be pregnant with our next child. And things are finally getting a little better, as far as the food eating and weight gaining.

My mom always wanted to have another child. She was not allowed to at first. Then she never could.

I always wanted to be an older sister. That never happened.

I know there are many who want to have children and can't. And there are many who want to have more children and have instead experienced loss. 

The children we are blessed to have are never to be taken for granted.

Our Annual Trip to Utah

Lately, it seems we make it out to Utah at least once a year or more. It is a long drive but since my car gets good mileage and our friends are very hospitable, going to Utah is the cheapest option for a vacation right now.

Tom hit his 6 month mark with the firm and accordingly got 1 week of vacation. We decided to make good use of it and drive out to Utah to pick up my piano, attend a friend's wedding, see all of our other friends, and spoil ourselves for a couple days.

We started out bright and early Saturday morning at 7 am. We turned Constance's car seat around for the long trip and she seemed much happier.

 It was lovely getting an early start because around the time when Constance started getting cranky and my stomach started hurting, we were almost there.

 I was very excited to find out that my Uncle and his family were in Utah so we met up for dinner at Sweet Tomatoes in Sandy. Constance got to see a few of her many second cousins, and during dinner she also managed to make flavored water by sticking a food-laden fork in my water and swirling it around.

Constance did not want to go home with Tom and I; she opted instead to climbing into my Uncle's rental SUV and settling herself into baby Mia's carseat. She's definitely a fan of big cars with lots of kids in them.

We spend the first night at my friend Jessica's house. Constance had a rough night, which got started when she smacked her head against the wall. So I kindly let her take my place and blankets on the air bed.

The next morning was much better when she got to play with Kaylie. Kaylie and Constance are only 3 months apart and hit it off from the minute they saw each other. Kaylie showed Constance her fishies and they sat together on the couch smiling and giggling. Then Constance showed Kaylie her magazine with monkeys in it.

We made it down to Provo on Monday to have lunch with friends and to tour the renovated M. L. Bean Museum at BYU. Constance really liked the giraffes, lions, and elephant.

 Unfortunately, Tom and Kyle left to walk to lunch before I made it back to our car to discover the window down and the keys missing. Luckily, no one had taken anything from the car but I still didn't want to leave it there like that any longer. After a couple of attempts to call Tom and Kyle, I left Constance with my friend Janene and sprinted after them.

It was a very hot afternoon. I'm not in the best shape for running, and especially at 13 weeks pregnant tend to lose my breath very easily. Luckily, when Tom and Kyle finally came into view, a jogger came walking up in my direction and I begged him to run after Tom and tell him to turn around.

Life was much better once I was back at the car with the keys and driving down the road with the A/C at its max.

As it turned out, Monday was also Teresa's birthday. She was writing a paper that was due on Thursday but I was able to steal her away for frozen yogurt later in the afternoon.

We of course saw my mom, which was interesting as usual. We took most of the Montessori preschool stuff my mom has been storing at her place for ages back with us to Colorado. I'm excited to have so many things handy that I won't have to make or buy.

Even though, we're still on a pretty tight budget, we managed to spoil ourselves with delicious food. We stopped at all of our favorite Utah-only restaurants including Zupas, Happy Sumo, Emmanuel's, and Cafe Rio. I even went to Winco to buy some of my favorite snacks that I've only seen sold there.

 On Tuesday, we headed up to Salt Lake City for our friend Mark's wedding. While Tom went in to their sealing, Constance and I wandered around Temple Square.

Our friends Kyle and Amy treated us to dinner before the reception. While we were standing in line at Cafe Rio waiting for them to make our food, one of the workers noticed Constance and waved at her. Constance waved back and smiled shyly. This went on for a little bit. Then the worker left for a minute and came back with a little cup of cut strawberries just for Constance. What a lucky girl! Those strawberries must have been yummy because she wasn't interested in anything after that--only ice chips.

 Tragedy struck again at the reception though. And for the second time in two days, Constance slipped right out the back of a folding chair and landed on her back, hitting her head on the floor. It's hard being small and vulnerable.

 I attempted to find some clothes at University Mall, but Constance had eyes for only one thing--a car. She kept running back to it and trying to open the door and getting very upset when she couldn't get in and drive away.

Some of my favorite moments during our stay in Utah was watching Constance interact with my friend Teresa. They washed the dishes together, played with plastic cups, sang, and went on roller coaster rides on the reclining chair. It was so nice to be able to curl up on the couch and not have to jump up every minute to get Constance something.

 When the piano moving day came, we headed over to my dear adopted mother Joan's house. Joan graciously stored my piano at her house for the past year while we got settled in Colorado.

 The piano movers packed up the piano with lots of padding and secured it in our moving truck.

 Then the caravan back to Colorado began.

 It was sad to have to leave all of our friends again. Vacations are fun and it's hard to come back and resume regular life, especially when regular life has been a bit trying lately.

Constance seemed especially disappointed. She loved meeting so many friendly new people and playing with all of the little kids. For a 1-year-old, she did remarkably well sleeping in new places at night, taking naps in unfamiliar bedrooms, dealing with the Utah heat, and changing the daily routine based on where we were at.

Hopefully, we'll be able to make another trip next year.

Becoming as a Child

My mother always used to tell me how much she loved the toddler years in a child's life. I have to say that at least on this topic, we agree. As soon as a child learns to become mobile, to talk, and to engage in everyday activities they appear to be little persons with well-defined personalities.

The scriptures often mention how we are to become as a child and lists qualities such as submissiveness, meekness, humility, patience, and love. To be honest, when Constance is lying on the floor kicking and screaming, I'm not prone to think of what a great example this is of patience. Or when she is using a pen to poke the eyes of her stuffed animals, I don't think Wow, I should show love like that more often. But there are many other moments, when she surprises me with her sensitivity and desire to obey and to show love.

I feel we can learn much from a child's perspective of life. While I'm stressing over the monthly budget, she is squealing with joy as she successfully pours water from one container to another. While I am worrying about how to get everything done before a deadline, she is overjoyed to find an extra fruit snack on her table. While I am thinking about how much I miss Hawaii and wish we could visit, she is sitting on the toilet contentedly brushing her teeth with Daddy's toothbrush.

Little children have the benefit of not having to worry about all of the things adults have to worry about and keep track of. But I don't think the point is just to throw away all our responsibilities and live life as freely as we can. Running away from problems doesn't solve them. We can, however, take time to appreciate the small things. Instead of always focusing on what we don't have, we can think about the things we do have and that bring us joy. We can take time to enjoy the park down the street even if it doesn't compare with a white sandy beach. We can enjoy the opportunity to creatively make do with what we have--even if it is just a tub of beans and a couple random containers.

Being a WAHM

I always knew I would be a SAHM (stay-at-home mom). My mom was a SAHM and we were able to do lots of things together that otherwise would not have been possible, including home school.

When Tom and I were newlyweds, I had a full-time job. Then I added a couple part-time projects on top of that. It was nice to get experience, make work friends, and expand my social network. I also was able to travel (all expenses payed for) to places like Chicago, Phoenix, Vermont, Atlanta, and Minneapolis.

(two of the many awesome people I worked with)

But there were many things that frustrated me about being in the workforce. Most of them are probably common annoyances to many working men and women: incompetent bosses, insufficient compensation for the amount of work and responsibility you handle, people who think they are your boss but are NOT, company organizational problems. Add on top of that pregnancy hormones and nausea and lack of energy. Toward the end there, we had a very messy house. My Dad visited us halfway through my pregnancy with Constance and declared everything quite unsanitary (even after I stayed up the night before to try and clean it for him).

I was honestly quite relieved to resign after I had Constance.
Finally, I could stay at home and just love my precious baby . . . and clean the house and do the laundry more regularly.

(she was, and still is, quite precious)

The "bliss" lasted a month or two. (Those scare quotes around the word bliss are completely understandable if you've survived the first two months with a newborn, which commonly includes everything from waking up every 2-3 hours at night, trying to stay awake until your newborn falls asleep again, nursing around the clock, hours of screaming,  and going days without a shower.)

Then we discovered that our savings was rapidly disappearing and Tom's part-time job while he was in law school didn't bring much back into that bank account.

So when a couple of people from my previous jobs contacted me to see if I would be interested in taking on some freelance projects, I said yes. Then I sighed. There goes my goal of reading books, cleaning the house, cooking, sewing, and taking care of our little baby all day.

But it was a blessing.
A huge blessing.

I was able to work and stay at home with our little Constance. I worked whenever she napped. When she woke up, I quit working.

And so it has continued
             through the last part of Tom's law school
             through the months of job searching
             through the months without any other source of income
             until now.

I've reformatted tables and documents; I've put together a comprehensive bibliography and checked each source for accuracy; I've edited online course instructions; I've edited science articles; I've written definitions for terms in an English course; and I've fallen asleep trying to work.

I never thought I'd end up being a work-at-home mom (WAHM), but here I am.
I am grateful I haven't had to work outside of the home since we had Constance.
And I'm grateful each month when we have enough money to cover all the bills.
I'm especially grateful for Tom who plugs away every day at the job that annoys him to no end, that pays him the very minimum for his position, and that requires him to put in over 40 hours every week.

We aren't in any debt (besides the house).
We still have a savings.

There are days when doing my work is very hard:
Those days when the house is a complete mess and I am tempted to clean it up during nap time; those afternoons when I am so exhausted, I would give anything just to lie down and sleep the 2 hours away; and those days when I am sick and just want to curl up in a fetal position.

I still only work during nap time. Thank goodness that hasn't gone away yet!

(sometimes I even work while I am holding a sleeping toddler)

I still have people coming to me with projects and ready payment, even after almost 2 years of being out of the workforce.
I will probably continue as long as I can. Once our next child comes, I might have to quit. I might be able to quit by then (fingers crossed). But I do love editing and I hope I can still find a way to keep using that skill until all our children are grown up and Tom hires me to be his paralegal/secretary.

Oh What Do You Do in the Summertime?

Oh what do you do in the summertime,
When all the world is green? or brown? or some shade in-between?

Do you look upside down?

 Or pet lots of animals?

 Or buy a new painting?

 Or drink Jamba Juice?

 Or blow lots of bubbles?

 Or sit in a cupboard?

 Or visit the zoo?

 Or pose for a picture?

 Or give mom some snuggles?

Or do a little dance . . . in the kitchen while mommy and daddy look on?

Is that what you do?

So do I!!!!

- Constance

Tangled Up in Emotional Manipulation

Tangled is a great movie. I remember the first time I watched it, I was amazed.
So much of what happens in this movie is closely related to things I've experienced.

Shut up in a tower of sorts.
Made to believe that everything done is for your benefit, even though not all of it makes sense.
Learning to be content with what freedom you are allowed to have.
Realizing that asking for things that are not approved ends up just hurting you more.
Knowing that there is more you need to know and do but feeling trapped.
The happiness and guilt of breaking free.
The guilt.
The guilt.
The awful guilt.
Finally realizing that you've been emotionally manipulated your whole life.
Coming to understand that the people who truly love you won't try to control you.

It's probably too soon to talk about how this story relates to me as a child growing up, but I think it has a great message for parents. Besides, that is what I'm focused on more right now--trying to be a good parent.

As parents, it's nice to know our children respect our opinion and will do what we say--after all "Mother knows best!" I love it when I ask Constance to do something for me and she does it. But I'm also convinced that "Mother knows best" is a gross oversimplification and overestimate of parental knowledge and wisdom. As much I wish, I don't know what's best for Constance all the time. When our children are little, we help create rules and boundaries that will keep them safe and allow them to still learn and grow and enjoy themselves. But have you ever created a rule and then shortly afterward realized that it was unfair or incorrect or unworkable? I have.

It doesn't get better as children grow up. They quickly learn more than we can keep up with and their experiences vary and can be quite different from what we experienced when we were a kid. The most important thing to remember is that our children are not us. They are unique little persons with their own personality, their own gifts, their own interests, and their own developing opinions.

At the same time, a young child has an intrinsic desire to please. This is a wonderful attribute. It can be cultivated; it can be neglected; and sadly it can also be manipulated.

We need to remember that we don't own our children. They are a gift from our Heavenly Father. And we aren't their only parents; they also have heavenly parents.

So although there are times when we need to very firmly insist on a point, a practice, or a movie that they do not see, most of the time our children should be learning how to properly exercise their agency. And exercising agency doesn't mean choosing what mom or dad would have chosen. It doesn't mean choosing freely without any sort of parental guidance. It also doesn't mean that we as parents defend our children's choices, whatever they may be, just so they don't look bad (and we don't look bad either).

When our children are young, we help them learn and understand moral principles that can help guide their choices. Also, when they are young, we keep them close to us so that we can protect them from things they cannot protect themselves from. We can't protect them from everything though, and sometimes an accidental fall down the stairs is important to their development--as long as it isn't fatal. (I seriously hate when this happens; but I've noticed that it has helped Constance understand why it is important to be very careful with stairs.)

As our children grow older (think teenage years), it becomes more and more important for us to give them the space and opportunity to practice making important choices on their own. If our children are constantly doing exactly what we want all the time in every aspect of their life, then something is seriously wrong.

We don't want them to be constantly asking themselves "What do I need to do so I won't get mom or dad mad at me?" Of course, that can always be one concern to worry about; but there are more important questions to consider as well.

Luckily, I've never had trouble making the big decisions: where to go to college, whether or not to go on a mission, who to marry, etc. I was taught the guiding principles that helped me make those. But I initially had the hardest time making very simple decisions that would affect other people (such as missionary companions): where to eat, who to see, what to do next. I was so used to all of this being decided for me or having a very narrow set of choices that I knew would be acceptable. I was so worried about what the other person might think or feel about my decision that I couldn't be decisive and defend my decision. It was quite paralyzing and frustrating.

I'm pretty sure my case is a bit extreme--it seems most of my early life experiences are that way. But it has caused me to think about how easy it can be to manipulate people, particularly those who are close to us (parents, spouse, children).

I know it's cheezy, but I cried the first time I heard this song

. . . because that is how I felt for the longest time.

Just wanting to be loved
without any emotional strings attached.

I'm pretty sure that's what most people want anyways.

Fun at the Fun Fest

Last Saturday, Constance and I went to the Fun Fest at Acacia Park in downtown Colorado Springs. They were opening up a new splash pad there at the park.
And you know how much Constance loooooves splash pads
and water
and getting wet.

Unfortunately, that morning was very cloudy and cool. So because of that, plus Constance's policy of avoiding water fountains at all costs, I didn't bother packing the swimsuit.

But I did bring her stroller, which was a good thing because the park was packed with people. There was no way I was going to let her walk around on her own and try to keep track of her by myself. Constance is the type that she will go off on her own and never look back and be completely fine until at some point I find her again.

Little Miss Independent.

It was a little hard finding things to interest a 1-year-old because a lot of the booths and activities were for older kids. But we did find a tent giving out watermelon and grape popsicles. So we waited in line and got one.
The watermelon part disappeared before I could get a picture.

 And then we found the tub with balls.

 Constance loved the balls.

 We stopped at the splash pad on the way out of the park. Constance ran around the fountain watching the other kids get cold and wet. She makes a good lifeguard. Although I don't know that she would risk getting herself wet in order to rescue anyone.