Tangled Up in Emotional Manipulation

Tangled is a great movie. I remember the first time I watched it, I was amazed.
So much of what happens in this movie is closely related to things I've experienced.

Shut up in a tower of sorts.
Made to believe that everything done is for your benefit, even though not all of it makes sense.
Learning to be content with what freedom you are allowed to have.
Realizing that asking for things that are not approved ends up just hurting you more.
Knowing that there is more you need to know and do but feeling trapped.
The happiness and guilt of breaking free.
The guilt.
The guilt.
The awful guilt.
Finally realizing that you've been emotionally manipulated your whole life.
Coming to understand that the people who truly love you won't try to control you.

It's probably too soon to talk about how this story relates to me as a child growing up, but I think it has a great message for parents. Besides, that is what I'm focused on more right now--trying to be a good parent.

As parents, it's nice to know our children respect our opinion and will do what we say--after all "Mother knows best!" I love it when I ask Constance to do something for me and she does it. But I'm also convinced that "Mother knows best" is a gross oversimplification and overestimate of parental knowledge and wisdom. As much I wish, I don't know what's best for Constance all the time. When our children are little, we help create rules and boundaries that will keep them safe and allow them to still learn and grow and enjoy themselves. But have you ever created a rule and then shortly afterward realized that it was unfair or incorrect or unworkable? I have.

It doesn't get better as children grow up. They quickly learn more than we can keep up with and their experiences vary and can be quite different from what we experienced when we were a kid. The most important thing to remember is that our children are not us. They are unique little persons with their own personality, their own gifts, their own interests, and their own developing opinions.

At the same time, a young child has an intrinsic desire to please. This is a wonderful attribute. It can be cultivated; it can be neglected; and sadly it can also be manipulated.

We need to remember that we don't own our children. They are a gift from our Heavenly Father. And we aren't their only parents; they also have heavenly parents.

So although there are times when we need to very firmly insist on a point, a practice, or a movie that they do not see, most of the time our children should be learning how to properly exercise their agency. And exercising agency doesn't mean choosing what mom or dad would have chosen. It doesn't mean choosing freely without any sort of parental guidance. It also doesn't mean that we as parents defend our children's choices, whatever they may be, just so they don't look bad (and we don't look bad either).

When our children are young, we help them learn and understand moral principles that can help guide their choices. Also, when they are young, we keep them close to us so that we can protect them from things they cannot protect themselves from. We can't protect them from everything though, and sometimes an accidental fall down the stairs is important to their development--as long as it isn't fatal. (I seriously hate when this happens; but I've noticed that it has helped Constance understand why it is important to be very careful with stairs.)

As our children grow older (think teenage years), it becomes more and more important for us to give them the space and opportunity to practice making important choices on their own. If our children are constantly doing exactly what we want all the time in every aspect of their life, then something is seriously wrong.

We don't want them to be constantly asking themselves "What do I need to do so I won't get mom or dad mad at me?" Of course, that can always be one concern to worry about; but there are more important questions to consider as well.

Luckily, I've never had trouble making the big decisions: where to go to college, whether or not to go on a mission, who to marry, etc. I was taught the guiding principles that helped me make those. But I initially had the hardest time making very simple decisions that would affect other people (such as missionary companions): where to eat, who to see, what to do next. I was so used to all of this being decided for me or having a very narrow set of choices that I knew would be acceptable. I was so worried about what the other person might think or feel about my decision that I couldn't be decisive and defend my decision. It was quite paralyzing and frustrating.

I'm pretty sure my case is a bit extreme--it seems most of my early life experiences are that way. But it has caused me to think about how easy it can be to manipulate people, particularly those who are close to us (parents, spouse, children).

I know it's cheezy, but I cried the first time I heard this song

. . . because that is how I felt for the longest time.

Just wanting to be loved
without any emotional strings attached.

I'm pretty sure that's what most people want anyways.

Fun at the Fun Fest

Last Saturday, Constance and I went to the Fun Fest at Acacia Park in downtown Colorado Springs. They were opening up a new splash pad there at the park.
And you know how much Constance loooooves splash pads
and water
and getting wet.

Unfortunately, that morning was very cloudy and cool. So because of that, plus Constance's policy of avoiding water fountains at all costs, I didn't bother packing the swimsuit.

But I did bring her stroller, which was a good thing because the park was packed with people. There was no way I was going to let her walk around on her own and try to keep track of her by myself. Constance is the type that she will go off on her own and never look back and be completely fine until at some point I find her again.

Little Miss Independent.

It was a little hard finding things to interest a 1-year-old because a lot of the booths and activities were for older kids. But we did find a tent giving out watermelon and grape popsicles. So we waited in line and got one.
The watermelon part disappeared before I could get a picture.

 And then we found the tub with balls.

 Constance loved the balls.

 We stopped at the splash pad on the way out of the park. Constance ran around the fountain watching the other kids get cold and wet. She makes a good lifeguard. Although I don't know that she would risk getting herself wet in order to rescue anyone.

At the Splash Pad

We decided to go the spray ground at Deerfield Community Center this week. It's always fun to see the little kids run around the splash pad and have a great time. I envisioned Constance doing the same.

She had different plans.

For some reason, Constance just did not have a very good morning. We got back from dropping Tom off at work and she started crying and being very grumpy, baby-style. I calmed her down a little and decided to still go to the splash pad, with the hope that she would see all the other little kids playing and be happy again.
Plus it was a hot day.

I put her adorable swimsuit on her, smothered on the sunscreen, and packed snacks and water.

The splash pad was very lively, with dozens of kids running around and having fun in the water.

Constance refused to walk so I carried her over to one of the small little fountains. Immediately she started wailing. She didn't like the fact that water was shooting up out of the ground. I guess she only takes water pouring out of the faucet into the sink.

Ok . . .

So she sat on my lap for a while and we watched the other kids play.
Finally, she decided she was ok to stand up on her own and walk around.

But she refused to walk around or play in any of the fountains or sprinklers. She wouldn't even splash in the water.

Instead she went over to the side of the splash pad where the sunbathers were and squatted down next to their faces, asking them probing questions and pointing at their noses.
Then when they got up and left, she took over their towel.

 She made friends with a couple little girls, who tried to explain to her the etiquette of sunbathing.

 I even brought her towel over and spread it on the ground so she could sunbathe on it. But instead she wandered off to the other side of the splash pad to try out the other vacant towels.
A couple of moms on the sidelines found it quite funny.

I thought it would be shame if we left without getting a little wet so I finally picked her up and walked under one the sprinklers with her. Constance was ok with it as long as I was holding her. But she didn't want to try it by herself.

I guess Constance is just going to be one of those girls on the beach who prefers sunbathing over surfing and swimming in the water. As a little girl, the only time I got to just play on the beach was when my mom and dad were both out surfing. Any other time, it was "Go swim yer laps."

To All the Sleepy Moms Out There . . .

As a first time mom, I was surprised to discover what a big deal sleep is. 

Not YOUR sleep. 

But your child's sleep. . . 

                      because that directly influences how much sleep you get.

Practically every mom group and forum talks about this. There are very opinionated and heated discussions about sleep. There are also sad and depressing stories about sleep and the lack thereof. Professional blogs focus specifically on methods for getting your child to sleep. Yes, there are actual methods with names and acronyms (e.g., cry it out, CIO), child sleep professionals, and a number of books on the topic written by these professionals.

So getting your baby/toddler to sleep 

and to sleep on his/her own 

and to fall asleep peacefully 

and to sleep for longish periods (i.e., through the night) is a big deal.

One lesson I learned very quickly when Constance was just a few weeks old is that a given formula or method won't work for every parent or for every child. Sleep patterns and behavior are so variable between kids (even siblings, so I'm told). When a child is 3 months old, a specific approach may work well; and then when he/she is 9 months, you may have to drum up something entirely new. Breastfed babies sleep differently than formula or even bottle-fed babies.

A lot of mom/dad guilt is associated with using various child sleep methods: "I picked him up too early," "I didn't let her fall asleep on her own," "Everyone thinks it's wrong that we cosleep," "He cried for hours and hours." Seriously, a lack of sleep is worse enough: we don't need to add guilt on top.

After a year and a half, I've decided that although consulting forums, books, and blogs can be a little helpful, in the end you just have to trust your parental instinct. 

Why am I writing this post now?

Well, because after over a year of waking up multiple times at night and crying, Constance now mostly sleeps through the night in her crib. (Here I go bragging about this victory while I'm fighting a losing battle with naps.)

Constance started sleeping through the night around 2 or 3 months but then stopped a month later. A few weeks after the sleeping stopped, the first tooth appeared. And since then, it's been a nonstop process of teething. The molars were the absolute worst. 

I experimented with a couple sleep methods. But none of them really seemed to suite her. She's a determined little girl and if we left her in her crib under the pretense that she might fall back asleep, she would cry and cry and sob and get to the point where she was hyperventilating. If I picked her up then tried to put her back down when she started to doze again, she would get even more agitated. If I tried to hold her long enough so I could put her down without making her upset, I fell asleep.

And so I held and cuddled her until she was done with the whole teething process (we also tried a number of things to help with the teething at night). 

I remember the first night she slept through (about a month ago), my subconscious woke up at some point in the wee hours of the morning and reminded my brain that Constance should probably start crying around now. But when she didn't, I went back into deep mommy sleep until the sun came out and Constance made a few noises from her bedroom. 

And the weirdest part is that I'm more tired on the nights she sleeps all the way until, say 6 or 7 am, than on the nights when she wakes up around 3 or 4 am.

I know the whole sleep saga isn't ended yet, but sometimes it's nice to look back and think of how nice it is now compared to three months ago or a year ago or one week ago.

When we have our next child, I don't know that I would do anything different. I think I'll have to wait and see what that child is like and how quickly he or she gets teeth.

Temperament has such a big effect on sleep. Constance is the type that if she gets upset about something, you had better listen or she will escalate the issue and continue with the escalation indefinitely until you listen. As a child, I remember always having the hardest time falling asleep at night. It just didn't come naturally and I struggled for years until I went to college and could never get enough sleep.  

So if you don't have a young child, please savor your sleep if you can.

If you see a mom yawning in church, it may not simply be the result of a boring meeting but a rough night.

If you do have a child under the age of 4, my heart goes out to you.

If you are blessed with a child who sleeps like an angel, you've been lucky.

If you are up at night with a little one reading this post so that you can keep your eyes open, I hope that your chance to get some sleep comes soon. . . 

                   And remember, it will get better.